Quarantine: Pookie K's WhatsApp Musical Flail

by Pookie K

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1.
04:08
We've got an adventure ahead of us We cannot stay We've got a positive impetus And so we're away We've got to fly, walk, swim, whatever Over land or sea Get all your things together, let's go To another country We're bringing Laura close! (x3) We know that she's been captured by the villains And that's just not fair But we've got surprise on our side And they won't know we're there We've got equipment here like lasers, guns And swords But all that we will need for this mission Is our thoughts We're bringing Laura close! (x2) We're pooling our resources and releasing her from captivity! We're bringing Laura close! We know they're evil and they plot dark deeds In their lair But we know our way inside So they'd better beware A big steel-capped volcano isn't Hard to find And we don't have to stuff to destroy it - But never mind... We're bringing Laura close! (x2) We're eluding all the villains and we're bringing her back to the UK! We're bringing Laura close!
2.
02:00
Sitting at my writing-table It’s my chance to see you’re able Answering the questions Showing you understand Give the pens out like a token Not a word must now be spoken Then I give the signal Good luck with your exam Teacher, helper, agitator I’m just your invigilator Wish that I could help you But I’m shouting from the crowd I’m just a facilitator Being an invigilator Wish that I could teach you stuff But I’m just not allowed So give me your rapt attention There’s some things that I should mention Note the centre number Make sure your pen is black Reflect and think about your actions Show your workings for subtractions Use a calculator But first take off the back Finished? I’ll collect your paper I’m just your invigilator Don’t give me your grief Because I’m really not that strong I’m merely an instigator Being an invigilator There’s ten minutes left to go Really, that’s how long See the students, give the greeting Make a plan, lay out the seating Check the learner numbers Assess the extra time That’s your time up, now your test ends Suddenly, it’s like we’re best friends Maybe I’ll read through your stuff I’m sure it’s not a crime Speaker, listener, signer, dater I’m just your invigilator Sitting here and watching Is all part of the charm Not quite an examinator Being an invigilator But I’m here to help you Pass all of your exams Pass all of your exams
3.
It was dark It was night I was scared I put on the light I felt a presence Very near I withdrew Out of fear And there stood Death At my bed I said why And he said: "I don't know, I don't know It must be some sort of mistake I don't know, I don't know You're not on my itinerary, mate It must be some sort of mix-up Back at the office I was dispatched here incorrectly That ain't my fault - it's the boss's" And he heft Me alone So very still Turned to stone... ...so I went back to sleep.
4.
It's the perfect time of day To make love on the bathroom floor Spread all the towels around Make sure you've locked the door Everybody else is out of the house No need to be quiet as a mouse Put on my dressing gown I promise it's super-soft If this time feels good Next time we'll do it in the loft I'm glad the bathroom floor was on our list How does it feel making love to a guitarist? Do I strum your strings? Do I turn your knobs? Do I tune your chords Into our love? Tiles and shower and bath are gleaming white Net curtains keep us out of sight Cybersex is boring And I can't wait until you're here We've got so many things to do Guess my intentions are rather clear Nobody's around and it's getting late So lie down before me, spread your legs, and I'll make you feel great Making love on the bathroom floor feels so sublime And we've got all afternoon, so let's take our time
5.
I hold your hand in mine, dear I press it to my lips I take a healthy bite from Your dainty fingertips My joy would be complete, love If you were only here But still I keep your hand as A precious souvenir The night you died I cut it off I really don't know why For now each time I kiss it I get blood stains on my tie I'm sorry now I killed you For our love was something fine And 'till they come to get me, I Shall hold your hand in mine
6.
I once saw a picture of you on a computer screen And I felt a strange emotion, just what could this feeling mean? And it wasn’t just sexual urges, or love to my great surprise I was lost for a whole eternity in your huge, unblinking eyes I found my manga girl Animé skies and blue pleated skirts Huge eyes and red zig-zag blush She’s Japanese and that’s why it hurts I clicked a certain button, and your cheeks turned red to blush As such, when it comes to hentai, I can never give you enough You blinked with your inked-up eyelids, and suddenly I seized up I wanna reach out and touch your flesh, but the screen is all I’d touch I found my manga girl Animé skies and blue pleated skirts School uniform adorns her make-up spree But I can’t resist the stripy tie and tight clinging shirt… The games may all be over, but the pictures still remain And every time I stare at one, it’s branded into my brain The images of you skipping make my breath rip out in rags I would walk through Japan to see you, laden down with heavy bags I found my manga girl Blue pleated skirts and open animé skies Plaits in her hair tied up in large bows Get on, kimonos, marriage robes, and wait for the “Hai!” This has gone way past obsession, but will it reach an end? Because you’re just a manga girl, you’re surely just pretend Konnichi wa to faded dreams, ohayoo Kaori Shimizu Although if I could become a picture, I would to live with you I found my manga girl Animé skies and blue pleated skirts Perfectly formed and pretty in pink I think it’s love, and then…
7.
Nottingham's lovely at this time of year! London has sights for the eye and the ear! Oxford has spires from the ground to the air! But don't ever go west, past Weston-super-Mare... For there's nothing good about Bridgwater The skies are all cloudy and grey There's nothing good about Bridgwater They've never experienced day There's nothing good about Bridgwater With nothing to do or to see Bridgwater is boring - we all leave there snoring... And that's the opinion (the informed opinion) Yes, that's the opionion of me!
8.
02:29
My horse is a good horse (Yes he is!) My horse is a good good horse (Yes he is!) He's got some feet, he's got a mane I ride him in the outside lane My horse is a good good good horse (Yes he is!) My horse is a kind horse (Yes he is!) My horse is a kind kind horse (Yes he is!) He's very nice, he's oh so sweet It must be all the sugar he eats My horse is a kind kind kind horse (Yes he is!) My horse is a small horse (Yes he is!) My horse is a small small horse (Yes he is!) He's tiny, crawls along the floor And fits through Morti's cat-flap door My horse is a small small small horse (Yes he is!) Horse! Horse! Horse!... Back in the old days! AMEN!
9.
Oh, I'm a lonely caveman Yes, I'm a lonely caveman I guess it's fair to say I'm a man in a cave and that makes me a caveman And I'm alone so I'm lonely Put those two together... they make a lonely caveman And that's me Oh, I'm a lonely caveman And I'm alone, and I crave human contact And that's what makes me lonely And I'm a man in a cave; that makes me a caveman As you may have gathered, I'm a caveman And I'm lonely, I'm so lonely And that makes me a lonely caveman Being alone is not my choice It just happened to me, it was more like a dream Because the government said to me I can't go outside; I'll get COVID-19 Life in a cave is not very fun If you haven't got anyone to share it with Sadly that's the story of the state of my mind at the time Loneliness Cave-dwelling It doesn't make a very good combination if you think about it Because what do you get at the end of it all? You get a lonely caveman An ever-so-lonely caveman Yes, I'm a man in a cave and that makes me a caveman And I'm lonely - so lonely caveman So caveman, so lonely That makes me a lonely caveman I wish I weren't so lonely Caveman is lonely Caveman is lonely I'm a lonely caveman
10.
03:41
After a scientist invented an explosive device The UN Security Council didn't think twice About hiding it in a suburban back yard And setting The Village People up on guard But then Thomas and Matthew, guys with guns Came in, and killed them, one by one Made off with the box, and started home But Thomas ran off with it on his own So Grandaddy Baxter, head of the UN Sent Agent Jack Robson (best of his men) To find the Extractor and bring it back (Which would be easy for one as noble as Jack) And Matthew, killing all Thomas' guards Looked for the Extractor, but found it hard 'Cause a mysterious ninja, all dressed in blue, Had stolen it quickly, and all the codes too Then Jack confronts Matthew, up face-to-face But Matthew's just a bomb, who blows up the place Then Thomas gets changed and heads off for Jack But just before Thomas can launch his attack We cut back to Jack just chilling at home He's making some plans and plotting alone Although he could win, succeed with precision He then gets corrupted by television So Thomas rocks up and kills all Jack's thugs And then our three heroes trip out on drugs Then someone 'phones Matthew, but calls his bluff (Then the directors interrupt to talk movie stuff) When Thomas and Matthew and Jack have a fight On a train, in a forest, and a campsite It's quite clear there's no victor, no heavyweight And the whole thing ends in a stalemate When Daniel turns up and freely admits That he's got the Extractor, they should just quit And it was Daniel's plan all along, although His name's not Daniel - it's Jojo McPogo (McPogo! McPogo! M, M, McPogo!) So Jojo runs off and they chase him at speed Through all the locations we've already seen And eventually they corner this blackguard In the same back yard we saw at the start And they bundle Jojo, capturing him alive And to get the Extractor, the Ninja arrives (He's protected from its heat by mittens) And they all open it, but there are no bombs - just kittens! And the four run away and they jump into the light And there's a huge explosion and the screen goes white And it looks like everything has gone wrong But there's one epilogue to the film (and my song) 'Cause it turns out that was a dream, of four Different people, the last of whom is Jude Law! So it all turns out that Jude Law, the actor, Had actually dreamed the whole of "Extractor".
11.
I've got a really dodgy fashion sense My choices never match I always wear odd socks and old T-shirts The colours always clash The people always like to laugh at me And my ill-fitting suits But there is one thing they don't criticise: My technological boots! My technological, technological, technological, technological, Technological, technological, technological boots They're blue and red and sometimes green The colours always change And I can go magnetic, climb up walls And fly like Doctor Strange And if I switch the rocket function on Into the sky I'll shoot I can say hello to all the birds With my technological boots! My technological, technological, technological, technological, Technological, technological, technological boots I'll say my family don't notice me Not one tiny bit And my friends don't like my stupid clothes Because they never fit But I just don't care about their jibes My footwear makes them moot Because in my spare time I'm zooming 'round In my technological boots! My technological, technological, technological, technological, Technological, technological, technological boots My technological, technological, technological, technological, Technological, technological, technological boots
12.
Lots of things are wrong with my life There's a lot of trouble and a bundle of strife Don't know what's around the bend And I don't have enough money to spend I sometimes get so depressed When I feel my life has been repressed I'm heading for certain doom Oh, also, there's a whale in my room Whale in my room! (There's a) whale in my room! Whale in my room! (There's a) whale in my room! Every time I look around There's no answer there to be found Got no way to pay the rent My overdraft has all been spent Work all day in a dead-end job Laze around all weekend like a slob In this haze of an awful gloom By the way, there's a whale in my room Whale in my room! (There's a) whale in my room! Whale in my room! (There's a) whale in my room! There's a whale in my room! (He's big and blue) There's a whale in my room! (He's looking at you) There's a whale in my room! (He's wanting to rule) There's a whale in my room! (Cetaceans are cool) So that's why I am calling a friend I need my life to be on the mend And I would like some help from you One more thing... there's a whale in my room Whale in my room!
13.
I was walking down the street one day When I saw and elephant coming my way He had big purple spots covering his back And I saw he was holding a McDonald's Big Mac But it wasn't much to do with LSD It was a bit more to do with ecstasy He made a big purple puddle covering the pavement I fell right in, got my clothes soaking wet But the psychedelic colours were driving me insane As I flew through the sky with the chocolate rain But it wasn't much to do with LSD It was a bit more to do with ecstasy I found a stairway to heaven and I met God Who said, "Sorry, mate, for saying this, but I think you're rather odd If it's truth you're looking for, and you're really asking me Try taking less drugs, and trying sweet herbal tea 'Cause it's never much to do with LSD (uh-huh...) It's always more to do with ecstasy..." But it wasn't much to do with LSD It was a bit more to do with ecstasy But it wasn't much to do with LSD It was a bit more to do with ecstasy Herbal tea
14.
03:14
Land of the silver birch Home of the beaver Where still the mighty moose Wanders at will Blue lake and rocky shore I will return once more Um pum pum, tiddly um pum pum My heart grows sick for you Here in the lowlands I will return to you Hills of the north Blue lake and rocky shore I will return once more Um pum pum, tiddly um pum pum Swift as a silver fish Canoe of birch bark The mighty water waves Carry me forth Blue lake and rocky shore I will return once more Um pum pum, tiddly um pum pum Here at the water's edge I'll set my wigwam Close to the silvery lake Silent and still Blue lake and rocky shore I will return once more Um pum pum, tiddly um pum pum Land of the silver birch Home of the beaver Where still the mighty moose Wanders at will Blue lake and rocky shore I will return once more

about

Written and Performed by Pookie K, 5 - 18 April 2020

All words and music by Benjamin Maydon except:

Track 05: Words and music by Tom Lehrer
Track 14: Traditional

Pooka would like to thank everyone who listened to the original recordings live on WhatsApp throughout April.

Licensed under a Creative Commons BY-NC-SA Attribution / Non-Commercial / Share-Alike 4.0 International License. Some Rights Reserved.

A Wet Handprint Records Release: whp11

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released April 19, 2020

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Some rights reserved. Please refer to individual track pages for license info.

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about

Pookie K & Unbalanced Grass England, UK

Unbalanced Grass are a ramshackle indie-rock band from disparate parts of the UK.

Founder of UG Pookie K now performs as a musical comedian (he assumes laughter is forthcoming), recalling members of UG to record his bizarro songs, and maybe even releasing some of them.

This site represents both, so you have an even larger selection of terrible music to choose from.
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