1. |
Laura Close
04:08
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We've got an adventure ahead of us
We cannot stay
We've got a positive impetus
And so we're away
We've got to fly, walk, swim, whatever
Over land or sea
Get all your things together, let's go
To another country
We're bringing Laura close! (x3)
We know that she's been captured by the villains
And that's just not fair
But we've got surprise on our side
And they won't know we're there
We've got equipment here like lasers, guns
And swords
But all that we will need for this mission
Is our thoughts
We're bringing Laura close! (x2)
We're pooling our resources and releasing her from captivity!
We're bringing Laura close!
We know they're evil and they plot dark deeds
In their lair
But we know our way inside
So they'd better beware
A big steel-capped volcano isn't
Hard to find
And we don't have to stuff to destroy it -
But never mind...
We're bringing Laura close! (x2)
We're eluding all the villains and we're bringing her back to the UK!
We're bringing Laura close!
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2. |
Invigilator
02:00
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Sitting at my writing-table
It’s my chance to see you’re able
Answering the questions
Showing you understand
Give the pens out like a token
Not a word must now be spoken
Then I give the signal
Good luck with your exam
Teacher, helper, agitator
I’m just your invigilator
Wish that I could help you
But I’m shouting from the crowd
I’m just a facilitator
Being an invigilator
Wish that I could teach you stuff
But I’m just not allowed
So give me your rapt attention
There’s some things that I should mention
Note the centre number
Make sure your pen is black
Reflect and think about your actions
Show your workings for subtractions
Use a calculator
But first take off the back
Finished? I’ll collect your paper
I’m just your invigilator
Don’t give me your grief
Because I’m really not that strong
I’m merely an instigator
Being an invigilator
There’s ten minutes left to go
Really, that’s how long
See the students, give the greeting
Make a plan, lay out the seating
Check the learner numbers
Assess the extra time
That’s your time up, now your test ends
Suddenly, it’s like we’re best friends
Maybe I’ll read through your stuff
I’m sure it’s not a crime
Speaker, listener, signer, dater
I’m just your invigilator
Sitting here and watching
Is all part of the charm
Not quite an examinator
Being an invigilator
But I’m here to help you
Pass all of your exams
Pass all of your exams
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3. |
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It was dark
It was night
I was scared
I put on the light
I felt a presence
Very near
I withdrew
Out of fear
And there stood Death
At my bed
I said why
And he said:
"I don't know, I don't know
It must be some sort of mistake
I don't know, I don't know
You're not on my itinerary, mate
It must be some sort of mix-up
Back at the office
I was dispatched here incorrectly
That ain't my fault - it's the boss's"
And he heft
Me alone
So very still
Turned to stone...
...so I went back to sleep.
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4. |
Bathroom Floor
03:23
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It's the perfect time of day
To make love on the bathroom floor
Spread all the towels around
Make sure you've locked the door
Everybody else is out of the house
No need to be quiet as a mouse
Put on my dressing gown
I promise it's super-soft
If this time feels good
Next time we'll do it in the loft
I'm glad the bathroom floor was on our list
How does it feel making love to a guitarist?
Do I strum your strings?
Do I turn your knobs?
Do I tune your chords
Into our love?
Tiles and shower and bath are gleaming white
Net curtains keep us out of sight
Cybersex is boring
And I can't wait until you're here
We've got so many things to do
Guess my intentions are rather clear
Nobody's around and it's getting late
So lie down before me, spread your legs, and I'll make you feel great
Making love on the bathroom floor feels so sublime
And we've got all afternoon, so let's take our time
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5. |
I Hold Your Hand In Mine
01:07
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I hold your hand in mine, dear
I press it to my lips
I take a healthy bite from
Your dainty fingertips
My joy would be complete, love
If you were only here
But still I keep your hand as
A precious souvenir
The night you died I cut it off
I really don't know why
For now each time I kiss it
I get blood stains on my tie
I'm sorry now I killed you
For our love was something fine
And 'till they come to get me, I
Shall hold your hand in mine
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6. |
Blood on the Pages
04:43
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I once saw a picture of you on a computer screen
And I felt a strange emotion, just what could this feeling mean?
And it wasn’t just sexual urges, or love to my great surprise
I was lost for a whole eternity in your huge, unblinking eyes
I found my manga girl
Animé skies and blue pleated skirts
Huge eyes and red zig-zag blush
She’s Japanese and that’s why it hurts
I clicked a certain button, and your cheeks turned red to blush
As such, when it comes to hentai, I can never give you enough
You blinked with your inked-up eyelids, and suddenly I seized up
I wanna reach out and touch your flesh, but the screen is all I’d touch
I found my manga girl
Animé skies and blue pleated skirts
School uniform adorns her make-up spree
But I can’t resist the stripy tie and tight clinging shirt…
The games may all be over, but the pictures still remain
And every time I stare at one, it’s branded into my brain
The images of you skipping make my breath rip out in rags
I would walk through Japan to see you, laden down with heavy bags
I found my manga girl
Blue pleated skirts and open animé skies
Plaits in her hair tied up in large bows
Get on, kimonos, marriage robes, and wait for the “Hai!”
This has gone way past obsession, but will it reach an end?
Because you’re just a manga girl, you’re surely just pretend
Konnichi wa to faded dreams, ohayoo Kaori Shimizu
Although if I could become a picture, I would to live with you
I found my manga girl
Animé skies and blue pleated skirts
Perfectly formed and pretty in pink
I think it’s love, and then…
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7. |
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Nottingham's lovely at this time of year!
London has sights for the eye and the ear!
Oxford has spires from the ground to the air!
But don't ever go west, past Weston-super-Mare...
For there's nothing good about Bridgwater
The skies are all cloudy and grey
There's nothing good about Bridgwater
They've never experienced day
There's nothing good about Bridgwater
With nothing to do or to see
Bridgwater is boring - we all leave there snoring...
And that's the opinion (the informed opinion)
Yes, that's the opionion of me!
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8. |
My Horse
02:29
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My horse is a good horse
(Yes he is!)
My horse is a good good horse
(Yes he is!)
He's got some feet, he's got a mane
I ride him in the outside lane
My horse is a good good good horse
(Yes he is!)
My horse is a kind horse
(Yes he is!)
My horse is a kind kind horse
(Yes he is!)
He's very nice, he's oh so sweet
It must be all the sugar he eats
My horse is a kind kind kind horse
(Yes he is!)
My horse is a small horse
(Yes he is!)
My horse is a small small horse
(Yes he is!)
He's tiny, crawls along the floor
And fits through Morti's cat-flap door
My horse is a small small small horse
(Yes he is!)
Horse! Horse! Horse!...
Back in the old days! AMEN!
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9. |
Lonely Caveman
02:30
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Oh, I'm a lonely caveman
Yes, I'm a lonely caveman
I guess it's fair to say
I'm a man in a cave and that makes me a caveman
And I'm alone so I'm lonely
Put those two together... they make a lonely caveman
And that's me
Oh, I'm a lonely caveman
And I'm alone, and I crave human contact
And that's what makes me lonely
And I'm a man in a cave; that makes me a caveman
As you may have gathered, I'm a caveman
And I'm lonely, I'm so lonely
And that makes me a lonely caveman
Being alone is not my choice
It just happened to me, it was more like a dream
Because the government said to me
I can't go outside; I'll get COVID-19
Life in a cave is not very fun
If you haven't got anyone to share it with
Sadly that's the story of the state of my mind at the time
Loneliness
Cave-dwelling
It doesn't make a very good combination if you think about it
Because what do you get at the end of it all?
You get a lonely caveman
An ever-so-lonely caveman
Yes, I'm a man in a cave and that makes me a caveman
And I'm lonely - so lonely caveman
So caveman, so lonely
That makes me a lonely caveman
I wish I weren't so lonely
Caveman is lonely
Caveman is lonely
I'm a lonely caveman
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10. |
Extractor
03:41
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After a scientist invented an explosive device
The UN Security Council didn't think twice
About hiding it in a suburban back yard
And setting The Village People up on guard
But then Thomas and Matthew, guys with guns
Came in, and killed them, one by one
Made off with the box, and started home
But Thomas ran off with it on his own
So Grandaddy Baxter, head of the UN
Sent Agent Jack Robson (best of his men)
To find the Extractor and bring it back
(Which would be easy for one as noble as Jack)
And Matthew, killing all Thomas' guards
Looked for the Extractor, but found it hard
'Cause a mysterious ninja, all dressed in blue,
Had stolen it quickly, and all the codes too
Then Jack confronts Matthew, up face-to-face
But Matthew's just a bomb, who blows up the place
Then Thomas gets changed and heads off for Jack
But just before Thomas can launch his attack
We cut back to Jack just chilling at home
He's making some plans and plotting alone
Although he could win, succeed with precision
He then gets corrupted by television
So Thomas rocks up and kills all Jack's thugs
And then our three heroes trip out on drugs
Then someone 'phones Matthew, but calls his bluff
(Then the directors interrupt to talk movie stuff)
When Thomas and Matthew and Jack have a fight
On a train, in a forest, and a campsite
It's quite clear there's no victor, no heavyweight
And the whole thing ends in a stalemate
When Daniel turns up and freely admits
That he's got the Extractor, they should just quit
And it was Daniel's plan all along, although
His name's not Daniel - it's Jojo McPogo
(McPogo! McPogo! M, M, McPogo!)
So Jojo runs off and they chase him at speed
Through all the locations we've already seen
And eventually they corner this blackguard
In the same back yard we saw at the start
And they bundle Jojo, capturing him alive
And to get the Extractor, the Ninja arrives
(He's protected from its heat by mittens)
And they all open it, but there are no bombs - just kittens!
And the four run away and they jump into the light
And there's a huge explosion and the screen goes white
And it looks like everything has gone wrong
But there's one epilogue to the film (and my song)
'Cause it turns out that was a dream, of four
Different people, the last of whom is Jude Law!
So it all turns out that Jude Law, the actor,
Had actually dreamed the whole of "Extractor".
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11. |
Technological Boots
02:45
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I've got a really dodgy fashion sense
My choices never match
I always wear odd socks and old T-shirts
The colours always clash
The people always like to laugh at me
And my ill-fitting suits
But there is one thing they don't criticise:
My technological boots!
My technological, technological, technological, technological,
Technological, technological, technological boots
They're blue and red and sometimes green
The colours always change
And I can go magnetic, climb up walls
And fly like Doctor Strange
And if I switch the rocket function on
Into the sky I'll shoot
I can say hello to all the birds
With my technological boots!
My technological, technological, technological, technological,
Technological, technological, technological boots
I'll say my family don't notice me
Not one tiny bit
And my friends don't like my stupid clothes
Because they never fit
But I just don't care about their jibes
My footwear makes them moot
Because in my spare time I'm zooming 'round
In my technological boots!
My technological, technological, technological, technological,
Technological, technological, technological boots
My technological, technological, technological, technological,
Technological, technological, technological boots
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12. |
Whale In My Room
03:01
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Lots of things are wrong with my life
There's a lot of trouble and a bundle of strife
Don't know what's around the bend
And I don't have enough money to spend
I sometimes get so depressed
When I feel my life has been repressed
I'm heading for certain doom
Oh, also, there's a whale in my room
Whale in my room!
(There's a) whale in my room!
Whale in my room!
(There's a) whale in my room!
Every time I look around
There's no answer there to be found
Got no way to pay the rent
My overdraft has all been spent
Work all day in a dead-end job
Laze around all weekend like a slob
In this haze of an awful gloom
By the way, there's a whale in my room
Whale in my room!
(There's a) whale in my room!
Whale in my room!
(There's a) whale in my room!
There's a whale in my room!
(He's big and blue)
There's a whale in my room!
(He's looking at you)
There's a whale in my room!
(He's wanting to rule)
There's a whale in my room!
(Cetaceans are cool)
So that's why I am calling a friend
I need my life to be on the mend
And I would like some help from you
One more thing... there's a whale in my room
Whale in my room!
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13. |
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I was walking down the street one day
When I saw and elephant coming my way
He had big purple spots covering his back
And I saw he was holding a McDonald's Big Mac
But it wasn't much to do with LSD
It was a bit more to do with ecstasy
He made a big purple puddle covering the pavement
I fell right in, got my clothes soaking wet
But the psychedelic colours were driving me insane
As I flew through the sky with the chocolate rain
But it wasn't much to do with LSD
It was a bit more to do with ecstasy
I found a stairway to heaven and I met God
Who said, "Sorry, mate, for saying this, but I think you're rather odd
If it's truth you're looking for, and you're really asking me
Try taking less drugs, and trying sweet herbal tea
'Cause it's never much to do with LSD (uh-huh...)
It's always more to do with ecstasy..."
But it wasn't much to do with LSD
It was a bit more to do with ecstasy
But it wasn't much to do with LSD
It was a bit more to do with ecstasy
Herbal tea
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14. |
Silver Birch
03:14
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Land of the silver birch
Home of the beaver
Where still the mighty moose
Wanders at will
Blue lake and rocky shore
I will return once more
Um pum pum, tiddly um pum pum
My heart grows sick for you
Here in the lowlands
I will return to you
Hills of the north
Blue lake and rocky shore
I will return once more
Um pum pum, tiddly um pum pum
Swift as a silver fish
Canoe of birch bark
The mighty water waves
Carry me forth
Blue lake and rocky shore
I will return once more
Um pum pum, tiddly um pum pum
Here at the water's edge
I'll set my wigwam
Close to the silvery lake
Silent and still
Blue lake and rocky shore
I will return once more
Um pum pum, tiddly um pum pum
Land of the silver birch
Home of the beaver
Where still the mighty moose
Wanders at will
Blue lake and rocky shore
I will return once more
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Pookie K & Unbalanced Grass England, UK
Unbalanced Grass are a ramshackle indie-rock band from disparate parts of the UK.
Founder of UG
Pookie K now performs as a musical comedian (he assumes laughter is forthcoming), recalling members of UG to record his bizarro songs, and maybe even releasing some of them.
This site represents both, so you have an even larger selection of terrible music to choose from.
... more
Contact Pookie K & Unbalanced Grass
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