After a scientist invented an explosive device
The UN Security Council didn't think twice
About hiding it in a suburban back yard
And setting The Village People up on guard

But then Thomas and Matthew, guys with guns
Came in, and killed them, one by one
Made off with the box, and started home
But Thomas ran off with it on his own

So Grandaddy Baxter, head of the UN
Sent Agent Jack Robson (best of his men)
To find the Extractor and bring it back
(Which would be easy for one as noble as Jack)

And Matthew, killing all Thomas' guards
Looked for the Extractor, but found it hard
'Cause a mysterious ninja, all dressed in blue,
Had stolen it quickly, and all the codes too

Then Jack confronts Matthew, up face-to-face
But Matthew's just a bomb, who blows up the place
Then Thomas gets changed and heads off for Jack
But just before Thomas can launch his attack

We cut back to Jack just chilling at home
He's making some plans and plotting alone
Although he could win, succeed with precision
He then gets corrupted by television

So Thomas rocks up and kills all Jack's thugs
And then our three heroes trip out on drugs
Then someone 'phones Matthew, but calls his bluff
(Then the directors interrupt to talk movie stuff)

When Thomas and Matthew and Jack have a fight
On a train, in a forest, and a campsite
It's quite clear there's no victor, no heavyweight
And the whole thing ends in a stalemate

When Daniel turns up and freely admits
That he's got the Extractor, they should just quit
And it was Daniel's plan all along, although
His name's not Daniel - it's Jojo McPogo

(McPogo! McPogo! M, M, McPogo!)

So Jojo runs off and they chase him at speed
Through all the locations we've already seen
And eventually they corner this blackguard
In the same back yard we saw at the start

And they bundle Jojo, capturing him alive
And to get the Extractor, the Ninja arrives
(He's protected from its heat by mittens)
And they all open it, but there are no bombs - just kittens!

And the four run away and they jump into the light
And there's a huge explosion and the screen goes white
And it looks like everything has gone wrong
But there's one epilogue to the film (and my song)

'Cause it turns out that was a dream, of four
Different people, the last of whom is Jude Law!
So it all turns out that Jude Law, the actor,
Had actually dreamed the whole of "Extractor".